January 20th, 2012

fifth verse doesn’t exist (but if it did it’d sound like this:)

I went to camp at the HH Ranch for ten years. They loved me when I was six and showed off my hoola hooping skills in the weekly talent show, and they put up with me when I was a sulky teenager who woke them up at four A.M. because I was having an asthma attack. I guess that makes me an expert.

HH – which stands for “Health and Happiness” – defines itself as a camp for children with chronic, life-threatening diseases that would keep them from attending other camps. What that meant for us was that almost every summer, on the first night of camp, my roommates and I would have The Conversation. You know.

“What do you have? You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.”

We’d go around the room and share our stories, and sometimes we’d talk about how scary chemo is, or those days when morphine just doesn’t cut it, or Why Doctors Suck. Sometimes we’d just name diagnoses, but either way, after that first night it wasn’t a big deal any more. We were at camp; everybody had something. If you wanted to talk about it, you could, but if you didn’t, there were plenty of adventures to go on. All my friends back home seemed to think that “camp for kids with medical conditions” meant “camp lite.” As if.

We went on adventures. HH has a high ropes course that was probably designed by NASA and the CIA so that it will terrify the bravest secret agent, but can be conquered by any six-year-old. There’s Discovery, a wonderful place where you can make ice cream and rockets and slime. The counselor who works there is rockin’ and always plays the coolest jams on her boom box. You can go down to the waterfront and fish with real worms. If you don’t want to bait your own line, you can force your counselor to do it, no matter how squeamish he is! This is basically heaven to a nine-year-old.

Camp was just a place where we got to define, every summer, what it meant to be a normal kid. We got into fights about whether the kids who used electric wheelchairs got to race on exactly the same terms as the other kids, because they won every time and it was totally unfair. One summer, my friend Caitlin had one of our counselors to go over to the boys’ cabin and ask a boy if he would go with her to the dance. (He said yes!) We went on rollercoasters and we went rafting and we painted our nails and our counselors tried their best to make us shower and brush our teeth, but I think even they knew it was a lost cause.

The summer I was twelve, my cabin went camping for a night. It was the first time many of the kids in the group had spent a night outdoors, much less on the ground in a sleeping bag. I shared a tent with one of my roommates and a girl who had become my friend over the course of the week. She was incredible; she was a big sister, like me, and she couldn’t walk without braces, so she’d chosen to do the entire ropes course by pulling herself along with her arms, laughing the whole way. We stayed up talking all night. The counselors had to ask us to be quiet and go to bed like four times.

Then she told us something she’d never told anyone else before: she had AIDS.

She was thirteen years old, and she had been born HIV+. Her family knew, and her doctors knew, but she had decided not to tell anyone until she met us. She was scared of the reaction she would get. When we told her that of course we would still be her friends, of course we didn’t think having AIDS makes you a bad person, she started to cry.

That’s why HH is so incredibly important, because there’s something about going on wacky adventures and singing dorky camp songs that makes you – finally – brave enough to confront the scary parts of your life. When the kids come home from camp and are able to keep that bravery, no matter what weird medical complications, annoying little brothers, or parents show up, there’s something magical in that.

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January 18th, 2012

thoughts about resources

When the last Harry Potter novel came out, my brother and I spent weeks trying to figure out how we would divide the book between us. Some of our ideas were sweet: we could take turns reading the book aloud to each other so that we would both get all the new plot updates at exactly the same time. Others were more practical, like that I was a faster reader (and deserved it more) so I should get Harry first.

In the end, my parents averted the impending feud by showing up with two copies of Deathly Hallows.

But as I thanked my parents graciously for their decision, and assured them that yes I did not take this lightly and of course they were the most wonderful parents and yes I appreciated it so much and no I would never ever be bad again – a promise I managed to keep until I finished the book and told Zack that Harry died at the end -

I was wondering why they had bothered to spend that extra thirty bucks when, by rights, they could have just made us suffer. God, Mom and Dad. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

Resources have varying degrees of importance depending on how you relate to them. If most of your skills and resources are in something intangible, like being an adorable twelve-year-old or graphic design, it can be hard to estimate your worth in someone else’s resources, ie. cold hard cash. It’s easy to take this insecurity and undersell yourself, assuming like my brother and I did that no one would ever actually buy two Harry Potter books or that no one would spend more than $50 on a logo, because gosh, anyone can make one of those in no time at all.

The problem here is really that we can’t read other people’s minds. Because if we could, we’d see logic that looked a little bit like this.

A ticket to the movies for one kid, going out with her friends, is about $10, plus $20 for dinner slash consolation prize for whichever hapless grown-up got stuck keeping four thirteen-year-olds from getting arrested in Bed, Bath & Beyond. That’s for about five hours of peace and quiet, assuming your kid knows to stick to curfew. Otherwise, it’s five hours of peace and quiet, followed by four hours of panic and strained nerves, followed by three hours of screaming about things like GOD MOM I WAS FINE WHY DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD WHEN I’M THIRTEEN AND DON’T EVEN NEED YOU ANY MORE. A week later, they’ve learned to hate you for some completely different reason and all is forgotten. Price per child: $30.

A single Harry Potter book, brand new, is about $30. Once gifted with this work of art, your children will sit in their rooms quietly, not bothering anyone, reading. You’ll know that they’re not doing drugs because you’ll be able to peek in and see them reading. You’ll know they’re not getting arrested. Occasionally you’ll notice that, for the first time since they developed a sense of themselves as separate from their environment, they are able to sit in the same room without arguing. You are actually able to convince yourself that they enjoy each other’s company. As you look around your house, you feel a warm sense of contentment and think: this is what family is supposed to be like. Price per child: $30.

If we could read the minds of the people we want to work with (and unfortunately, if we could, it would probably be illegal) we’d realize that what they want probably doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what we want. My parents wouldn’t have actually been heartbroken if they hadn’t gotten those Harry Potter books for us; the editors I’m emailing now (oh, hey there!) probably don’t stay up nights thinking “How am I going to find a way to give Tori lots of money so she can pay her rent?”

But that doesn’t mean that your goals and desires are incompatible, either. My parents basically just wanted familial harmony, although I didn’t know it at the time, and Harry Potter was an easy way to achieve that. If you can figure out someone else’s situation and use that as that as the basis for your decisions, that’s great. But if not, don’t limit yourself unnecessarily. You never know when you might be the magical solution to someone else’s problems.

 

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January 9th, 2012

my (not very) SURPRISING secret to blog failure

As I was finishing my second cup of eggnog hot chocolate for the day, I finally realized why I’ve been having so much trouble with this public persona thing: I’m just not a very likeable person.

I don’t mean that like in a self-help book, where now I’m going to tell you how I didn’t appreciate my wife until I did x y and z and these are my three steps to success. I didn’t say I was evil, gosh.

It’s just that I’m kind of a dork. I like dancing but I’m not good at it, and I’m an EMT but not in the cool way that gets you hot dates. I used to be known as The Sharpie Girl before I turned fourteen and realized that I didn’t need to wear markers around my neck to be a unique, worthwhile person. (That was a bad time.) I spend my days sitting around headbanging to old Fiona Apple tracks and drinking tea. I cuss more than my father would like.

And then suddenly I’ve got a blog. Gosh glibbity, now I have to be a goodness gosh darned saint?

It’s something like this. Imagine your life as an eighteen-year-old drop-out who is somehow either gutsy or stupid enough to think that she can make money writing. Imagine the parts of your life that you’re willing to share with people. How about the parts of those parts that are interesting, jazzy, and make you look sort of like a superhero but with more pizazz?

Yeah, yeah. There really aren’t any.

I’m not really sure, now that I’ve identified the problem, if it matters. Many of my favorite writers (what’s up, Edna St. Vincent Millay) fall firmly into the thank god I never have to interact with this person in real life camp of fangirling.

Logic should prevail here. I’m asking you to laugh at my jokes and tell all your friends that I’m the coolest person you’ve ever come across, not to invite me to a dinner party. And I have a very strict schedule of headbanging to get to.

… but I still feel like I would be better off if I went to volunteer somewhere for a while, so I could tell cute cat stories instead of whatever the torrid reality of my life is right now.

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January 6th, 2012

I was hit by an asteroid. Even more miraculous than my survival was my speedy recovery.

It’s surprisingly easy to not update my blog, considering all of the encouraging spam comments I’ve been getting. After deleting twenty versions of  “this is a very good article I was searching all day for something like this but could not find it I will send it to my uncle now by the way please by sum viagra thanks” from her inbox, who wouldn’t feel inspired?

Now I feel like a jerk for ignoring my brother (and Mom, Dad, Grandpa Gary, and a bunch of Random Internet Folks) when they complained about their assorted blog woes. A sad, clueless jerk who didn’t know what she was getting herself into.

The worst part is that while my excuses for disappearing from the internet are brilliant and would invoke an outpouring of sympathy from anyone with a heart, they’re not going to get me where I want to be.

Which is to say, living in a beautiful villa in the French countryside, drinking mimosas and sampling ever more exotic pastries in between writing the tense, emotionally charged scenes my adoring fans are clamoring for.

So, although I’ve been getting a surprising amount of actual writing done, I need to balance that with some adventures so that I can stick to my blogging schedule. I’m sure I can manage to come up with one – I do, after all, have until Monday.

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December 19th, 2011

my (most recent) first post

My high school English teacher really liked my writing and believed that I was going somewhere.

I’m not sure how he managed this, because I was a terrible student. I hated Hemingway almost as much as I hated Dickens. I wrote essays like “Why Marriage is, Scientifically Speaking, the Absolute Worst” and made fun of other teachers’ haircuts in the articles he assigned me for the school newspaper. I didn’t make him read my poetry, but only because I had a livejournal account for that sort of foolishness.

We met again a few weeks ago, as proto-adult to former teacher, and through some quirk of human memory he still liked me. He was as utterly unimpressed with my blog-related anxieties as everyone else has been. “Just let Tori be Tori,” he said. “I really have no idea who that is, but I’m sure they’ll love you.”

His kind words (and, perhaps, the prospect of living in my parents’ house with only ten bucks to my name forever) inspired me to finally start this thing. I’m still not totally sure what I’m going to write about, but that just means I’ll have to create adventures for you. I’m going to post on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays until I’m so fabulously wealthy that I can afford to ignore my schedule, at which point you’re on your own.

Thanks for joining me. I can’t wait to see where we’ll go together.

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